Due to the remoteness of St. Catherine’s monastery, some parents have expressed their concern that it is too far away from emergency services if—God forbid—something were to happen. We have allayed their fears and assured them that if there was ever a crisis, the onsite staff is qualified to handle any situation.
The infirmary is staffed with licensed medical personnel with a doctor that is here 5 days a week. The monastery has its own water tower and firefighting equipment and we even have classes held by local firefighters to train students, which is a popular class for grade 11 and 12 students. We also have a full staffed onsite security department.
—Interview with the Admissions Director of St. Catherine’s Boarding School.
After about 30 seconds, Kato spoke up, “Ken?” Takahashi let go of Kato’s hand but kept walking.
Takahashi lead them away from the crowd to the spot they sat earlier that day. He sat down, leaning against the tree. Kato sat down and leaned against the tree too. They sat in silence for a few moments. It was somewhat dark where they were but there was still enough light from all the lighting for this event.
“What’s wrong?” Kato asked.
Takahashi looked at him and looked straight ahead. “You don’t fucking trust me.”
“Huh? What the hell’s that supposed to mean?” Kato was annoyed. He had no idea where this was coming from.
“Just how long you gonna keep shit from me?” Takahashi asked as he turned to look at Kato.
Kato scrambled to think of exactly what he had been keeping from Takahashi. Kato thought for a minute. The portrait? The two ukes? The fight I just had with Handa earlier? How could he have found about that? It was in my room.
Kato really didn’t like the accusation. He turned to look at Takahashi and said, “I’m not sure what you’re talking about.”
“Handa-san?” Takahashi emphasized.
“What?” Kato replied and thought, How the fuck did he find out so fast? Did Handa tell on me? Did someone overhear?
“It’s pretty fucking annoying hearing about shit through other people,” Takahashi said.
“Who—” Kato started.
“Xan-san.” Takahashi interrupted. “I live with him, remember?”
“Huh? How the fuck did he know?” Kato asked aloud, unintentionally.
“What? He said he was there when you two were arguing this afternoon.”
“Oh. Fucking figures that he would say something,” Kato said with a scowl, trying to play it off. Apparently, Takahashi knew about fight number one, but not fight number two.
Takahashi simply glared.
Kato waved him off saying, “Don’t worry about it. It was nothing.”
“Don’t worry about it? What the fuck!” Takahashi asked. He was obviously irritated about that phrase.
“Yeah. I said, ‘Don’t worry about it,’” Kato reemphasized angrily. “It’s just Handa-san being an asshole again.”
“This is not about Handa-san. It’s about you.”
“Wait, what? What the fuck about me?” Kato cross his arms with a huff.
“I knew something was wrong as soon as we met up after my gig today, but I didn’t pester you about it. I waited patiently and you never said a goddamn thing all afternoon about it.”
“So what? It’s an argument between me and Handa-san. What’s it got to do with you?” Kato barked.
“Fucking dammit!” Takahashi breathed in anger. “Xan-san was right. You really are a conceited little fuck.”
“What!” Kato screamed.
Takahashi yelled back, “I’m supposed to be your goddammed seme! Why can’t you treat me like one?”
Kato was all riled up and wanted to vent. “The only reason you’re a seme is because you’re taller, stronger, protect me, and fuck me!”
“What the fuck?” Takahashi yelled back. “Where the fuck did that come from? Why do you treat me like this?”
Kato thought he sensed a little hurt in Takahashi’s response, but Kato was mad, and he didn’t know why. What he thought was supposed to be a nice weekend was going to hell fast. But he wasn’t about to give up yet, so he continued ranting. “That’s what the ukes said. The seme fucks the uke. What if I want to be the seme someday and you be the uke?”
Takahashi became quiet and looked away. He was quiet for a very long while. Kato was still a smoldering time bomb, simply waiting for one more wrong thing to come out of Takahashi’s mouth so he could explode again.
Finally, with a sadness in his voice, Takahashi said, “After almost a fucking month together, you still think that seme/uke is all about sex.”
Kato was silent and brooding. He thought for a moment about what Takahashi said. For some reason he thought he understood what seme/uke was but somehow things stopped making sense today. He wasn’t sure what he was sure of anymore.
Takahashi got up.
“Where you going?” Kato asked gruffly. He didn’t quite mean it to come out that way, but it did.
“I’m going back,” Takahashi said without even looking down at Kato.
“But what about the fireworks?” Kato complained.
“I don’t care anymore.” Takahashi turned and started walking away.
Kato quickly stood up and watched Takahashi walk away. He was at a complete loss. This was not how he thought the evening would end. He suddenly wondered if it was the fireworks that Takahashi wasn’t caring anymore about, or if it was something, or someone, else. He looked back in the direction of the music and then felt a bit of panic, so he turned and ran after Takahashi. He didn’t want it to end like this.
“Wait!” Kato yelled out. He caught up and ran around to Takahashi’s front side, placing his hands on Takahashi’s chest, trying to stop him. “Wait, please!”
Takahashi stopped and looked at Kato, their eyes met. He wore that unreadable expression that Kato was pretty familiar with by now.
“I’m sorry. I’m sorry.” Kato said. “You’re right, I should have said something about Handa-san. I wasn’t trying to keep it from you. I just wanted to let it go and be with you.” Kato withdrew his hands from Takahashi and stood there looking him in the eyes.
They stood there for a bit until it became uncomfortable to Kato. “Say something,” he said.
“What do you want from me?” Takahashi replied.
“I dunno,” Kato instinctively responded. He wasn’t sure what Takahashi meant.
Takahashi angrily huffed. “You dunno? Why does it feel like we’re starting all over again?”
“You!” Kato blurted out. “I want you!”
Takahashi crossed his arms and said with a hint of anger in his voice, “Yeah, right. I often fucking wonder what for.”
“Huh?” Kato responded.
“You hide shit from me, then you want me to protect you, and fuck you, and then complain about it when I do.”
Kato had no response.
“Then I feel that sometimes I am lucky to even come in second place in your eyes; everything and everyone else is ahead of me.”
Kato protested, “That’s not true!”
Kato’s mind went blank trying to remember specific examples of when he put Takahashi first. He was absolutely positive that there were times he did, but he was on the spot and couldn’t think of anything.
“I feel like I’m the one doing all the work here,” Takahashi said.
“Wait a minute!” Kato became instantly angry. “That’s not fucking true! Every goddamn time I try to do something for you, you either turn me down or turn into a wolf.”
“Like what? What did you try to do for me that I turned you down?” Takahashi barked back.
Kato complained, “I wanted to give you a shower, and you said no!”
Takahashi yelled back, “What! You already know my reason for that.”
Kato was getting more upset again as he continued, “You buy me all these things knowing I have no way to pay you back.”
“They’re gifts, what the fuck? You don’t pay back gifts!” Takahashi said.
“Every time I want to play with your body you won’t let me!”
“Stop, stop, stop!” Takahashi yelled as he threw up his hands.
Kato stopped but he was fuming, and still feeling that he had more grievances to air out.
Takahashi let his hands drop to his sides. “Look, I just don’t understand where this is all coming from. It all seems so random.”
Kato wasn’t sure either. He just felt angry at everything right this moment.
After another full minute, Takahashi let out a long sigh. He said, “I don’t understand why this seme/uke shit is so hard for us. Other people make it look so easy.”
“I don’t either,” Kato agreed. He liked that Takahashi had said “us.” Agreeing with his wolf on this point dissolved his anger. Kato let out a long sigh, somewhat imitating Takahashi. He looked down and said, “I’m sorry I was so angry. I had another fight with Handa-san before showers.”
Takahashi didn’t say a word, or even make a noise.
Kato wasn’t sure how much of it he should divulge. “He wanted me to make up some excuse so that him and Xan-san could be alone together without you, me, Murata and Nakamura. But he asked in such a nasty way we argued.” Kato thought it best to leave out the part about the fist and the door.
“How long were you going to keep that one from me?” Takahashi asked. Kato could hear the sarcasm in Takahashi’s voice and it irritated him, fanning the flames of Kato’s ire again.
“See? I shouldn’t have said anything about it! You’re just gonna be an asshole about it!” Kato barked.
“I knew it. You weren’t going to tell me about that either. Honestly is just a big fucking problem with you, isn’t it?”
Kato crossed his arms and harrumphed. He was not going to bother replying to that. He was simply fed up with arguing.
The boys stared at each other for a very long while. Kato wondered how the hell he ever fell in love with this boy. Then he wondered how in the hell he was still in love with this boy. Finally, he wondered how much longer he would be in love with this boy. The last thought worried him a bit and his anger vanished again.
Kato uncrossed his arms and decided to pour out his heart one last time. “Ken, I’m sorry. I want you, more than anything. I fell in love with you and just want to be happy. But now Xan-san and Handa-san are in the way of our happiness. And it hurts. And I can’t seem to do anything about it.”
Takahashi moved close to Kato and simply gave him a hug. Kato hugged back. He was amazed at the power of a hug to make him feel better, and doubly so since it was Takahashi doing it. He could smell that wonderfully warm scent of manliness mingled with cologne.
Takahashi pulled back and cupped Kato’s head in his hands and looked him in the eyes. “I’m sorry, too. I did warn you that I’m a terrible seme,” he smiled.
Kato smiled back. “I’m not a very good uke either,” he chuckled softly in Takahashi’s hands.
“We will just have to keep working on it. But let’s leave that for another time, eh?” Takahashi said.
Kato nodded, “Okay.”
Takahashi looked around, then he moved in and began kissing Kato, very passionately. Kato could feel a tingle go from his lips, to his scalp, to his toes—making a pitstop at his groin on the way down—and then back to his heart. He really started getting into it, hinting to Takahashi that he wanted in with his tongue. Takahashi let Kato’s tongue in. Kato loved to explore the insides of Takahashi’s mouth. Coincidently, a large boom of a firework went off and Kato jumped, causing him to reflexively clamp down his jaw.
“Ow!” Kato yelped, breaking free of Takahashi.
“Huh?” Takahashi was obviously surprised.
Kato put his hands over his mouth and did a little dance.
“What the fuck is wrong with you?” Takahashi asked.
After a moment, Kato removed his hand and said, “I bit my tongue.”
Takahashi stared for a moment, then he burst out laughing.
“It’s not funny!” Kato complained. This caused Takahashi to laugh even harder. He was doubled over laughing his ass off.
The fireworks show had started and after a minute of massaging his tongue with his teeth, and Takahashi’s laughter slowing down to an occasional snicker, the boys stood there, watching the fireworks, holding hands.
As Kato watched the fireworks and they both pointed out their favorite ones, he was still going over in his head the argument they just had. He realized a big part of the problem was still with that the advice Murata gave him a while ago about thinking of Takahashi first. It was probably the single, hardest piece of advice he had ever been given. He simply couldn’t seem to do it; at least not with any constancy. He wondered if something was wrong with him.
The fireworks show lasted about 15 minutes, then Takahashi gave Kato one last kiss. Kato was glad this time it was a simple kiss without the tongues.
“The show’s over. Let’s go back,” Takahashi said.
They returned and said their goodbyes at the door. Kato didn’t want to return to the room of death but what choice did he have.
When he entered, Handa was not there yet. So Kato quickly went and brushed his teeth and got ready for bed. He turned on the desk lamp and turned out the overhead light and climbed into bed, facing the wall. He wanted to say, without words, that Handa should not expect a conversation from Kato tonight.
He fell asleep.