(Title – 柯布的害怕 : Kē Bù De Hài Pà – Ke Bu’s Fear)
Translator: chiangyushien, Angel, Renkun27
“I never expected that even you’d think of me to be like this. Can’t anyone understand me? I’m doing it for everyone’s sake.” Xia Jiazuo said, feeling rather annoyed.
“Did we require you to help us? Did we ask you?”
“You make it sound so good, but isn’t it that you and Zhi Li were fighting for me? Isn’t it that the feelings and emotions between you and him are that fragile after so many years of being together? Be with me. I won’t argue with you.”
“It was because of you but not for you. He misunderstood the reason why I went to find him. I misunderstood his hatred to your attitude as treating me indifferently. It’s not fragile. We fought because we’re humans. We’re real people who’d feel uncomfortable seeing the other together with someone else, who’d also be angry because one said something awful to the other, but it’s all just because of love — too much love. Of course, I should’ve also criticized my own self. How could I have a heart-to-heart talk in that place with the person that Zhi Li loathed and give him the cake that came from that same person? After all that’s been said and done, I did something idiotic. On top of that, I even followed you. I’ve even been here talking nonsense with you a lot and it makes me feel sick. Don’t think that I’ll sympathize with you. Who doesn’t have a sad past?” Ke Bu left Xia Jiazuo and went inside: “Do you guys know where’s Zhi Li?” No one paid attention to him. Even after he waited for a long time, there was still no one who paid attention to him.
“Hey, I’m asking you, are you with me?”
“Hush? What hush?”
“Zhang Luo has installed a device in Xia Jiazuo’s clothes. Don’t be noisy. He seems to be arguing with Zhi Li.”
“Where did you get this spyware?”
“Filthy, right? Now there’s nothing that you can’t buy online.” Zhang Luo answered.
When Xia Jiazuo caught sight of Zhi Li, he was not even so surprised. Zhi Li smiled and said: “Is it over?”
“Here comes another preacher. How annoying! Now, are you guys actually pretending to be a bunch of righteous people? All of you are obviously filthy shameless people who only talk about boobs, fighting and bullying the weak ones. Do you remember what I whispered to you before? I’ll take away those filthy things that you have from you. Unfortunately, they’re hopeless. They’re basically wallowing themselves in degeneration.”
Zhi Li punched Xia Jiazuo in his face. It was a lot harder than the last time. He then indifferently started to talk: “Then let me tell you what’s the reason why I punched you. They’re really filthy but you can’t use the word ‘thing’ to call them.” If one would hear these kinds of words, that person would not be very happy, either!! Zhi Li grabbed Xia Jiazuo’s collar: “Let me see how clean you are.”
“I won’t fight with others. I’m not like you.”
“That’s really convenient for me.” Zhi Li kicked Xia Jiazuo’s stomach with his knee: “Then let’s see how dirty I am!” Zhi Li threw Xia Jiazuo into the school’s gutter. The width was very cramped for a big man like Xia Jiazuo, but Zhi Li actually trampled him down. His shoulders were bound up by the gutter and he could not climb up. He could not even move.
Chu Haoyu, Ying Xiujie, Gong Zhu and even Zhou Xinhe came to the railing and threw down scraps of paper, just like confetti, down to the gutter: “You actually spoke about us like that. It was a pity that we even thought about letting you off the hook.”
Zhi Li did not want to come up to then so he turned around and walk away. Before Ke Bu went after him, he suddenly asked Su Youyan: “Youyan, why didn’t Zhi Li turn into his dark transformation in this fight?” He still asked this question even in such a moment. Was it because he was worried that when he chased after him, Zhi Li was in his dark transformation? If that was the case, there would be no conversation between them for sure.
“You also understand it in your heart. There’s a difference between being miserable and being irritated.”
“Youyan, thank you. I’ll go first.” Ke Bu ran toward Zhi Li’s direction.
Ke Bu caught sight of that person’s receding figure that has become one with the night and was made distinct by the night. It was so moving. Ke Bu ran up to him in a rush and grabbed Zhi Li. Zhi Li turned and coldly said: “Do you have a problem?”
“Yes, I have many problems. I have a lot of things to say. I’m sorry. I’m sorry for everything. I shouldn’t have said those shameful words, but you also shouldn’t have let me be with others.”
Ke Bu’s apology did not seem to have much effect. Zhi Li still acted the same. He grabbed Ke Bu’s hand and said: “I know you said those words in anger.”
“Then why did you…?”
“You didn’t get it?”
“What should I understand? Isn’t it that this time, you’ve won. You must’ve been ruthlessly laughing at me.”
Zhili looked at the boundless night sky: “I also have things that I can’t stand.”
Ke Bu had a bad feeling. His throat felt dry and he was trembling: “Wh, what?”
Ke Bu felt that he could not understand what Zhi Li said. He did not want to understand. His heart was in pain and even his body could not bear the pain: “Do you want to leave me?” Zhi Li did not say anything. Ke Bu hated this kind of silence: “Say it. What are you trying to say? What do you want to do? What do you want me to do? Didn’t you say it before, even if we argue, you’d forgive me? Now… Liar …Zhi Li, you’re the world’s biggest liar. What are we going to do next?”
“Yeah, what are we going to do next?” The words that Zhi Li uttered were torn by the wind and scattered entirely in Ke Bu’s mind. At first, he thought that as long he would apologize nicely, then everything would be all right. He and Zhi Li would return to the way it was before. Their feelings have been accumulated but how come they could be so fragile just like this? Zhi Li turned around to look at Ke Bu’s face. His dark eyes shone, and with a dull tone that was a bit bitter, he said: “You’re afraid of me. Ke Bu, you’re still afraid of me.”
“It’s two different things.” Ke Bu did not deny that and Zhi Li could not help but laugh: “What do you want me to do then? Keeping you, who’s afraid of me, stay by my side, are you trying to torture yourself or me?”
Ke Bu could not clearly see Zhi Li’s expression, but he could feel his loneliness. White spread in black — indeed, that was Zhi Li’s countenance. It was the first time that he caught sight of Zhi Li’s feelings. Ke Bu had forgotten. He was only thinking about his own pain so that he had forgotten the most important thing. He remembered those people who were calling Zhi Li a monster and looking at him with eyes full of dread. Although the girls liked him, they were equally afraid of him because of his highly unapproachable and unfathomable nature. They just looked at him with that kind of gaze from a distance. Zhi Li was lonely and alienated. He spent his childhood and youth with those dreadful gazes until he met Ke Bu. His loneliness attracted the other’s loneliness. When he was redeemed, the other one was also redeemed. He stood by Zhi Li’s line of sight without the feelings of fear or inferiority to Zhi Li’s appearance. He smiled and said that he liked Zhi Li’s character; but now, he was just likes the others? Did he slowly change, all these years? Was the reason that once rescued him out from loneliness had now become his reason to be lonely?
Zhi Li turned around and left. Ke Bu opened his mouth but could not make a sound. It turned out that this was the real problem between them, the moment when Ke Bu suddenly avoided Zhi Li’s hand. What did Zhi Li think about during that time? Did it hurt him? Damn it. Dear me.
Indeed, he was so scared because, during that time, he could not sort out his feelings. However, he found it hard to say it and they seemed like sinking in quicksand — the more they struggled, the faster they sunk into the pain. Ke Bu ran after him with big strides and tightly clung on to Zhi Li from behind: “Stop, stop… Zhi Li, don’t go. Zhi Li, please don’t go.” It was as if he returned to that time when they first met. During that time, he also begged Zhi Li, just like this. It was the same longing of wanting him to stay, although it was quite different now since this yearning was stronger than before. It made Ke bu’s chest rise and fall out of uneasiness: “I’m a fool, I’m hopeless. At that moment, I couldn’t say it out loud, but now I’ll say it all for you to hear. I’m sorry. I didn’t notice that you also have your own weakness.”
“There’s nothing for you to be apologetic about.”
“You bastard, listen to me. Yes, I was scared of you. I was really scared because you used such a cold tone to talk to me. I was scared because you yelled at me. I was scared because there’s disappointment in your eyes of me. I was scared. I was so scared. I was scared that you’ll hate me. I was scared that you don’t want me anymore. I was scared that you’ll leave me. And what l was most scared of was that you don’t love me, you bastard!” Ke Bu’s voice was hysterical: “Can’t you tell? I love you so much so that I’m scared of you.”
Zhi Li felt the warm moisture seeping through his clothes from the back. With a soft and gentle voice, he teased Ke Bu: “Are you not Ke Bu? Ke Bu definitely wouldn’t cry for Zhi Li.”
“Right now, I’m not Ke Bu.”
“Yes. Zhi Li, let’s not argue anymore in the future, okay?”
“I won’t argue with Ke Bu, nor will I argue with you.”
Ke Bu bit Zhi Li from behind but because it was winter, he was only able to bite Zhi Li’s clothes.
“This is the second time.” Zhi Li suddenly said something that Ke Bu could not understand: “What?”
“You owe me this time. You should repay me next time.”
Ke Bu held Zhi Li tighter: “Zhi Li, do you like me?”
“Yes, I like you.”
He knew that Zhi Li would definitely say this directly, but he really wanted to hear it. He really wanted to. He likes him. He really likes him.